As with any weapon in the game, there is an attacker and a target. In the case of the blue shell, the attacker is usually one of the last positioned racers and the target is always the 1st position racer. This is half the reason why the blue shell sucks.

Look at it from the perspective of the attacker: If you’re way behind, you want a weapon that will put you ahead. Your direct rivals must be taken out or bypassed before you can even think about going for the leaders. So if you’re in 7th place, who are currently your biggest rivals? 6th and 5th place. Who do you target when you fire a blue shell? The guy in way up in 1st place.

If you’re like me, you shoot the blue shell immediately to make room in your inventory for something more useful (is there any sense in holding on to it?). The 1st place kart that you’ve just taken out will surely be up-and-running again before you get close to catching up with him, and, even if you do catch up, whoever was in second place just took over as the new first place. Some help.

When you think about it, the blue shell only benefits the couple of guys directly behind 1st place. So, why does a kart in 7th place kart get a blue shell? Why would someone so far behind want a weapon that will just help out whoever is in 2nd place?

Besides the dilemma of usefulness, it’s simply more fun to see your target get what they deserve. Launch a red shell, and you will usually get to see it hit the next player up. But if you’re way behind and you launch a blue shell, you’re not going to see your target get hit because they are so far ahead of you. Heck, the only reason you know they are getting hit is because the blue shell doesn’t ever miss.

Earlier, I said that was only half of the reason for why the blue shell sucks. That’s because I was looking at it from the position of the attacker. Now, I’ll switch to the target, which is the kart in the lead.

Blue shell aside, it is a lot of hard work to maintain a lead in Mario Kart. You dodge all sorts of other weapons, pull off stunts on every ramp for the extra boost, powerslide through every turn, avoid giant wigglers and goombas and piranha plants, etc. Unless they cheat or hack, the first position player almost certainly deserves the position they are in. They got there by pure talent, memorization of the racetrack, and practice.

Now, back to the blue shell. You’re in first, it’s the last lap, you’re a few meters away from the finishing line, and BOOM! You’re hit by the unavoidable blue shell, and whoever was in second place wins the race. Not only that, but the guys in 3rd and 4th can usually take the 2nd and 3rd finish before you can get accelerated again.

Is that fair?

What did the guy in second place do to deserve what should have been your victory? Nothing. Any savvy player knows to save that last bunch of bananas for defense just in cast the 2nd position gets a red shell, but that’s all in vain. The guy in the very last place, the guy who spun out at the start, fell off a cliff into water, got smashed by an easily-avoidable thawmp, slipped on no less that five banana peels, and tried to use the Lucky Star to drive through a lava lake, that guy who didn’t even bother to do a Grand Prix before hopping online, shot a blue shell and knocked you into 4th place.

It’s just not fair. The player who has raced beautifully should not have to be unavoidably blasted out of his spot by a player who has raced like a complete noob.

Reward and punishment are the two consequences of playing a video game. Good game design rewards players for doing well. Bad game design punishes players for no reason at all (Brawl’s random tripping mechanics come to mind). But the worst of the worst game design punishes players for doing well, and that’s exactly what the blue shell does.

Gamers like consequences, we really do. If we wanted to sit idly as something bad happened we’d watch a horror film. Unavoidability takes the player out of the equation. When I’m leading the race and I hear the siren sound of the blue shell, I am instantly pulled out of the game. I know that I will not have any choice but be forced into a crash and I become frustrated. I think most players recognize and accept a bad consequence for a mistake made, but no player truly accepts a bad consequence when there is no fault to the player.

Now for the solutions: How do we fix the blue nightmare?

Well, the easiest way would be to just remove it entirely, and good riddance to it. But, I can’t see Nintendo doing that. To remove it would force them to admit that it sucks, which would look down on the legacy of games that had the spiny shell in the lineup.

So, I suggest they simply fix the blue shell by doing a few things:

First off, only give it to the players in 4th and 5th place. The last few places, as stated above, have very little use for the blue shell, as it hardly benefits them at all. But a 4th place kart might actually gain for launching the blue shell, as there’s a better chance that they could pass up the lead. Having only two positions that can obtain the blue shell would also make it more rare, which would limit its power.

Secondly, ground the shell again. In Mario Kart 64, the blue shell would ride along the ground and hit anyone in its path. This was more fun because everyone had to avoid it, rather than just the leader. Also, this gave the blue shell a chance at being destroyed by obstacles in the course, which lessens the ultimate unavoidability factor for the 1st position.

Next, make the blue shell something one can legitimately dodge. I have heard that in some games, if you launch a banana peel at the right moment while jumping off a cliff, one can take out the blue shell if the moon happens to be full and a black cat is crossing your path. Well, I’ve tried this many times and have never gotten it to work. I think that 1st place should be given a defense against the blue shell that is not based upon a super-unlikely, hard to pull off maneuver. How about instead of punishing the player for doing well, punish the 1st position for failing to avoid it in a legitimate way.

If, like I suggest above, the blue shell returns to being a grounded weapon, perhaps the first position player should be given the chance to destroy it before it blows up on him. In recent games, the blue shell waivers above your head for a few seconds before exploding. What if it instead waivered behind you for a few seconds, giving you a chance to shoot a green shell back at it? Or, perhaps a new trick system could allow you to avoid the shell by performing a barrel roll.

Anything, really. The creative minds at Nintendo can figure something out. Just please give the hard working racer a practical means to avoid this game-breaking weapon.

The first reason is…….

5. Dwarves

– They’re small, pudgy, bearded, and completely stupid. They stereotypically fall into the role of the little-man’s syndrome butt-of-the-joke. The mere fact that there aren’t any Dwarves in Harry Potter makes it a better series by far. Instead, Harry Potter has goblins, which fill as a more monstrous, more complex, and more compelling race than ever before seen in literature. Think about it, HP’s goblins are not simply evil little bastards that want to kill and pillage; they’re calculating, law-abiding, and complex characters—working hard and fairly in for-human banks while despising the way humans withhold wandlore and other magical knowledge. Also, they take no sides in the Wizarding War, even though one side clearly would treat them worse.

4. Light-hearted moments and humor done better.

– Sure, the LotR movies did well to bring out the humorous parts of the books, and even add a little to make it more relevant for the modern audience, however, it’s clear that the classic trilogy just wasn’t written to be nearly as good with tender moments or funny situations. Legolas and Gimli counting kills is funny, but it’s based on a bloody premise. Harry Potter often delivers cute scenes for the sake of being cute without a real need to break the tension, like when Fred and George [do anything] are popping around the house frightening their mother because they just learned to do so. And, I’m sorry, Fro-dork and Sam’s touching moments are sort of awkward, better are the moments where the Weasley mother tells Harry he’s as good as one of her sons, or when Sirius Black pops his head out of the fireplace.

3. The magic is better in Harry, and magic is more interesting than sword fighting.

– It’s a simple truth. Sword fighting is always just clanking metal, while magic is a diverse array of about anything that can be imagined. The magic in the LotR books is… okay. Take the movies (since I realize more people have seen them than read the books), when Gandalf is fighting Sarumon, they wave their staffs and yell “Ohhh!” when hit, when Dumbledore fights Voldemort, statues come to life, glass is broken and heaved in the other’s general direction, and then turns into a material more harmless as sand. Lightning is tossed like confetti. Another example is when the King is possessed in the LotR, he turns all old, crusty, and grumpy and is easily manipulated. When Quirrel is possessed by Voldemort, the Dark Lord’s face is pressing out the back of his skull [hidden under a turban!], whispering the dark deeds into his ear (like drinking the blood of a unicorn). Need I say why one is way cooler than the other? But I digress, magic is awesome, and, in general, there is just WAY more magic in HP, which makes HP much more awesome than LotR.

2. Horcruxes are cooler than the Ring

– This might get controversial, but here goes: The Ring-to-rule’um was forged in the fires of a giant volcanic mountain.. appropriately named Mount Doom. The One Ring is an object that tries to manipulate the wearer. It has a conscious of some sort, trying to get itself back to its Dark Lord. It turns the wearer invisible, and grants him longer life.

Big fucking deal. Harry himself has an invisibility cloak, and other objects in the wizarding world (such as the sorcerer’s stone or unicorn blood) grant longer life. Voldemort’s horcruxes are so much cooler than a stupid ring. First off, no, they’re not forged from a volcano, but they were made through the act of murder, which is just as cool when you realize that some of the people Voldy killed to make them include his father and classmate. But, beyond that, horcruxes don’t just seem to have some sort of conscious within them, they do! The horcruxes can manifest full-body, intelligent apparitions, visions of your worst fears coming true, or worse. They can take over your mind, simply read it, or charmingly convince you to spill it all on pen and paper for your deepest thoughts. Hell, horcruxes can even be living creatures, even unknowingly. One of the horcruxes is a ring, and that ring turns out to be one forged by Death himself to allow a man to resurrect the dead. The Ring of the LotR can’t even beat that one horcrux by itself, much less all seven together!

1. Snape and Voldemort are better than Sarumon and Sauron

– This one is going to be short for a reason. Snape and Voldemort are well-developed characters who are dynamic. They have interesting pasts and presents.

Sarumon and Sauron are just not nearly as well developed, because they’re not nearly in the books as much. They’re talked about a bit, but, really, they’re just a goal for the main characters to get to. Snape and Voldy are there, present, and are in the action as more than just an end boss. Snape and Voldemort are a large part of the meat of those books, Snape being one of Harry’s teachers and Voldy being central to several entered memories, and the S bros are just big evil chess pieces that pop in during “evil” moments.

Besides that, whereas Voldemort just lacks a nose, Sauron lacks everything but his one stupid eye. How lame is that?

My original idea was to do a top ten list of why HP is better, but, I realized that I found several reasons as to why the LotR is a better series, so I will now completely change directions and explain to you 5 infallible reasons why Harry Pooter is a loser and why the LotR is the LORD OF THE READS.

5. Dwarves

– They’re small, pudgy, bearded, and completely hilarious. Gimli provides MOST of the well-needed happy and funny moments in the movies, and he’s one of my personal favorites from the books. In The Hobbit, dwarves play a central role to the story line because they’re doers. They get shit done. They see treasure, they go for it. Win, lose, or Balrog. They live in mountains, they wield axes, and they have bad tempers (but make the best jokes!). They have the nerve to try, even if failure is an option. They aren’t afraid of embarrassment: even Gimli will ask to be tossed once and a while. The LotR is certainly a better series than Harry Potter merely for the presence of the dwarven race.

4. The Lord of the Rings came first

– The Harry Potter series wouldn’t exist as it is today without these books having come before it. Simple as that. Tolkien influenced fantastic mythology in a way that hasn’t been seen since—except for maybe what Harry Potter will do to future works. So, stupid Potterheads might try to claim that JKRowling’s a creative genius, but, any argument they make can usually be countered with the LotR did something similar first.

3. Talking trees beat talking Hats

– While thinking about talking non-creatures, it’s quite obvious to think of the never-ending Ents vs. Sorting Hat debate. But I have news for you; the ent race is far cooler than one talking hat will ever be.

The Sorting Hat comes out once a year… it sings a song and judges children based on how their parents have probably raised them.

Think about it for a moment: you wake up to a giant knocking down your front door, he tells you that you’ve got magic powers, you’ve been just accepted into an elusive school for witchcraft and wizardry. You ride a magic train and float over a lake on a magic boat to a magic castle on a [probably magical] cliff. They bring you into a great hall full of magical painting and stars, sit you on a stool in front of everyone you’ve never met before, they bring out a magical hat, which SINGS A SONG AND JUDGES YOU.

If this actually happened, any kid by that point would be bat-shit insane and not at a great mental state to be judged.

The ents, however, take their time. They meet you, guess about what species you are, and debate, talk, talk some more, moo a bit, talk, and then vote on it, giving you the final verdict of if in fact you are an orc. Ents, being careful thinkers and debates, judge you carefully and fairly. Meaning, talking trees are better than talking hats. LotR get a +1 from my Google+.

And for anyone who wants to make a Ent vs. Whomping Willow comparison, just remember which tree came first.

2. The Ring Wraiths are better than the Ring Wra…err… Dementors

– This is a short one, indeed. The Dementors from HP are just rehashed Ring Wraiths from LotR. Everyone knows it. THE END.

UPDATE: 15 minutes later: I got an email from a demon-spirit claiming to have played a role in both HP and LotR. He told me that most of the others were in both movies, stating, “Well, geez, there aren’t many roles for evil spirits with rotten fabrics for skin. Call the others, they’ll tell you.” I will follow up later after I do, in fact, call the others. Gotta find my Ouija board.

1. Gandalf tops Dumbledore

– Both characters happen to be the greatest wizards of their times. Both share many of the same traits. Both are insanely wise and powerful. It’s very hard to pick which is better, but I believe Gandalf edges Dumbly out.

First off, as great a name as Albus Percival Wulfric Brian Dumbledore is, Gandalf is a much more direct and powerful name. Besides that, having a short name leaves one open to having a bunch of awesome nicknames like StormCrow, Gandalf Greyhame, the White Rider, Mithrandir, Tharkun, and Incanus. I wish I could have gotten a name as freaking cool as Tharkun, and that’s not even half as cool as the other nicknames.

Other ways in which Gandalf edges out Dumblydude include slaying Diablo—er—the Balrog, being played by Sir Ian McKellen, having stellar fireworks, being created first, and being friends with a bunch of giant eagles. How many giant eagles does Dumbledore know? Zero, that’s how many.

Well that concludes that. I guess my definitive answer is that I don’t really like one series more than the other. Honestly, I’m just happy to have both.

 

Unused ideas I came up with:

Gollum beats Dobby

The Order of the Phoenix beats the Fellowship of the Ring

House Elves are a stupid concept

House Elves are a truly great idea

John Hurt’s portrayal of the animated Aragorn beats John Hurt’s portrayal of Olivander

Seeing the aged-up version of the HP cast will be better than seeing the aged-down version of the LotR’s cast in the Hobbit movie.

Muggles beat Peasants

Sting beats the Sword of Gryffindor

Twilight beats all